


Counting

by Latynish



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Drama, F/M, Mention of potential self-harm, Mutual Pining, Reylo Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-04
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-18 07:15:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,933
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14207940
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Latynish/pseuds/Latynish
Summary: The door closed three years ago.  Three standard galactic years,  1,104 days, 26,496 hours.  But who's counting?  Certainly not the Supreme Leader.





	Counting

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a long time since I wrote fic. TLJ just grabbed my brain and begged for some fanfic, so here's to diving back in!

Kylo was dismissing his Knights, sending them off on another mission, when he felt it. A hum through his soul. The sound around him being pulled away as he was transported to another place. As the last Knight stepped through the throne room entrance and the doorway slid shut silently his vision wavered.

  
Three standard galactic years. 1,104 days, 26,496 hours, give or take a few of those. But who’s counting?

  
Three years physically apart, certainly apart in all the ways that mattered. Coming together at random times to fight petty battles that neither of them cared for didn’t count to him. Even though the only reason he even stepped onto a battle field any more was for a chance to see her. To release some of the pent-up anger and betrayal in a clash of lightsabers that never fully cleansed him. He was sure they made him yearn even more. She was almost gentle when she crossed blades with him, looking into his face almost desperately. Each fight was more healing then he’d ever admit.

  
Especially when they'd been apart in the Force for three years.

That's not how a Force bond is supposed to work, it is meant to bring together. All he can focus on is the pain of being separated from her.

  
Shame fills him as he remembers nights simply spent weeping her name. Quickly he snatches that thought back and barricades it in the box that used to hide secrets from Snoke. The pain of that thought, of needing to hide something from Rey is piercing, but it is her doing. And now she was calling out to him? He wasn’t giving her the satisfaction of answering.

  
“Ben?” She didn’t deserve to even say that name anymore, she had lost the privilege. Somehow, Kylo held his tongue. Even at the soft exploration of her feelings brushing against his.

  
“Ben, I can feel you.” He could feel her too, probing his mind without entering. How thoughtful. “Please answer Ben. I want to apologize.”

  
“For what, trying to kill me?” Why? What was the point? Nothing mattered. He was actually somewhat surprised that he was still alive anyway. Hux had been planning something for years now, his days were probably limited. Nothing mattered.  


He was driving the First Order to a new horizon for nothing. For her. For ruin. He wasn’t really sure. And still she tempted him with her words. Only two people had ever apologized to him before, and that had ended badly for them. Why did she think she was any different? Why did he know she was different?

  
“Trying to kill you?” Looking over his shoulder he finally spotted her. She was a faded shade at first, just barely with him. However the bond didn’t take long to reassert itself. The fuzziness of her outline morphed into a woman he dreamed of nightly. Soon she was almost more solid then he remembered. For three years a gaping hole had opened in more than just his mind. With one moment all the numb relief he had pretended to feel boiled away. Why was she doing this?  "I never tried to kill you."

She sounded like she actually believed that, but Kylo had had enough weapons pulled on him to know the truth.  To kill him would have been better than to deceive him so cruelly. To let him believe. 

The one thing he wanted, someone to reach for him, and it had been a lie.

  
“It doesn’t matter, why did you open this bond? After all this time.” She probably wanted to finish the job she claimed to have never started. She wasn’t done betraying him, he was sure. At least, he thought he was. The look on her face was guileless, too open. She looked tired, drained, but nothing could hide that heart of eternal hope.

  
“I wanted to say I was sorry, I was wrong. The way I left you…  What you think...” He growled at her, wishing he had taken his mask back up. Then she wouldn’t see the hurt he was trying to hide behind anger. The cold face he’d adopted in front of the First Order was simple to slip on, but for her? No. Even when he wanted to don that persona, he failed.

  
“You left! Just like everyone else, I wasn’t good enough. Offering the galaxy to you wasn’t enough.” He was yelling, and not in the furious way he imagined when he thought of this moment. He couldn’t do anything right. Not even this. He didn’t want her to know how much she meant to him, how much she hurt him. Instead he should have pretended to be unaffected by her, but he knew it was impossible.

  
“I didn’t want to, I had too! I couldn’t let them die. But… I wanted to take your hand.” Rey was reaching out for him now, but he shied away, dodging her.  He couldn't allow the callused pads of her fingers to touch him.  

  
“No, no! You don’t get to do this!” Snarling he turned back to her, leaning down to get into her face. She looked up at him like she always did, without fear. Determination. Like she was confronting a monster, but wasn’t afraid. Yes, he seethed to himself, if she wanted to face a monster he’d show her. “You must want something. That’s the only way someone like you would ever open this bond back up.”

  
Who would want a monster? Especially a beautiful girl who was surrounded by dashing rebel fighters daily. Men who shared her vision, her optimism.

  
Kylo couldn’t say the same for himself, he’d long stopped hoping for anything. He wasn’t meant to have anything good, anything light. And to care for the Resistance, now the Rebellion? Never. Even when he was younger the idea was repugnant. The Rebellion had turned his mother away from him twice. Now he imagined any of those rebel men touching her, their Jedi beacon of hope, of them being around her constantly, and he wanted to destroy the Rebellion.  Even when he lied to himself and said it was his cause, that they were the enemy.  That excuse didn't cover half of his loathing.

  
“No, Ben. Nothing like that. I’ve just had a lot of time to reflect and I realized… I barely gave you a chance. I didn’t even try.” Tears were gathering in her eyes now. How dare she? What right did she have to cry, especially for him? And time to reflect? Three years to realize that she had betrayed him, that was suspect.

  
“It doesn’t matter. I made my choice, you made yours.” He willed the connection to close, but nothing happened. She just stared at him forlornly. Why couldn’t this go his way? Kylo knew the Force didn’t do as commanded, she was a cruel mistress. Left with only words he threw his cruelest at her. “Don’t open this bond again. Ever.”

  
Internally he begged, please build your walls again. Since he never could, it would be up to her.

  
“No. I’m done shutting you out, I can’t let this go. I’ve thought of little else the past three years. Keeping the bond closed took so much out of me, it was unnatural.” She was right, but he couldn’t do this again. The first time had nearly maddened him, this time would kill him.

  
“This bond is unnatural,” he began to growl. The words hurt him viscerally, and he knew they would hurt her too. He had to say them, he had to make her go away. He had to be her monster.

  
“Don’t say that!” She cried, more passionately then any Jedi ever should. She meant it. That stopped him, warmed him in a way that he hadn’t been for three years. Her warmth he realized. Her warmth was creeping up his fingers and toes, if it reached his heart… He’d be done.

  
“I can say whatever I want. You left me.” His teeth were clenched too hard by the end to speak in anything other than a hiss. Rey had left him, just like everyone else. She wasn’t to be trusted, just like Snoke had said. His voice might not be in the back of his mind constantly anymore, whispering dark things to him, but his lessons lived on. And Rey had reinforced the most important one. No one could love him, no one would stay, they would all betray him. He had to destroy them all first.

  
“You were choosing something I couldn’t stand for!” A moment of anger, but she quelled it quickly. Drawing deep breaths, releasing them in measured exhales.

  
“And you wanted something from me, to use my power for your pathetic resistance. I wasn’t going to submit to another yoke. There was no way Rey, no way.” Not after his first taste of freedom, first in his whole life. There had never been a moment of peace with that darkness always telling him what to do. True he’d submitted to another master in the form of his position as Supreme Leader, but this time he’d chosen. This time he made the rules.

  
“I’d never use you!” A hint of anger again, this time she didn’t calm herself. Her breaths were huffed, uneven.

  
“Maybe, but your rebel friends? If they couldn’t use me, they’d have me executed for war crimes. They’d love to do both really.” He shrugged, used to the idea of dying at this point. He’d thought about it often enough. Whether by his own hand, maybe even his own blade, or by some saboteurs his days were short.

  
“No.” He wasn’t sure what she was denying at first. That final thought was probably clear enough that he might as well have said it out loud he realized. He could tell by the way she reacted so precisely. The look of near devastation on her face shook him, and he knew she had listened. The bond was growing stronger, making up for lost time.

  
“Yes.” This time he smirked, perversely glad that the idea of his death genuinely upset her. He couldn't care less about death. There was nothing left for him, nothing save an empty, meaningless throne. A galaxy of people who hated him. Kylo only had her, and he wasn’t sure she didn’t hate him as well, and just had a compassionate heart. She’d likely do this for any wounded animal. Too kind and sweet to fully allow him to wallow in his pain. No, just enough to make him hurt, to salt the wound.

  
She shook her head, but the hum of the bond dimmed. She started to fade, but the look in her eyes haunted him. The fear. For once she looked at him with fear, but not of him. For him. That did something in his chest, made it tighter and lighter all at once.  
Releasing a sigh he did his best not to think of it once she was gone. He hung his head, not sure what to make of the bond and her plea. Dwelling on that one tiny moment could only lead to more pain. And while pain could have useful applications, for once he wanted numbness. He relished the emptiness that tore away every facet of who he was and let him be nothing.

  
So simple, yet so impossible.

  
Color caught his eye, the panel next to the door signaling a new visitor. Schooling his features into the one he wore as Supreme Leader, he waited.

  
And despite wishing he could stop he started counting.

**Author's Note:**

> Feels good to get something out there. The time frame is based on a bigger piece I was working on, but I realized it didn't quite work since three years seems kind of long. Still I liked the scene so I didn't have the heart to delete it entirely. Might continue with a few ficlets every now and again, but I am working on a bigger piece (two actually, one's an AU). Let me know what you all think of this fic/ potential future writing!


End file.
